You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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