Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
