Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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