You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize