Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I look better un-naked...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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