question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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