We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
