my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
