Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You are the jesus of drinking
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
