if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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