I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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