the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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