UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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