I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
