the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
