i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize