I wish I only lived at night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
