How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
