if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
