Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
