i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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