Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
