I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You made out with two different species that night
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
