I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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