I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
