I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize