I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
