This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
