she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just had sex on a roof
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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