Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
