I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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