i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize