yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The power of my boobs compel you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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