They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
