There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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