Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
