apparently the secret to your success is patron
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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