I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
