R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
