I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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