I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
