new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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