Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
