I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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