Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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