i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he shaved USA in his pubs
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
