I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
