Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize