Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
