I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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