So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
