drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
