i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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