Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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