no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
