Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
No stitches, just platelets and will power
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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