I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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